Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
