I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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