i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
