Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
