i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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