***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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