Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
