It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
