im six kinds of drunk right now
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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