There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
