you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
