Cold hands, warm shart.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
