I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
