every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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