I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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