community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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