Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize