thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
