Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
