you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
