Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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