Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
