dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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