As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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