just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
