Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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