I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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