my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
