I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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