Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize