Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize