I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
