we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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