i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
