my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
