so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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