my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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