just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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