I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
