Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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