I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
