Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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