he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize