Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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