Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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