Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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