onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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