thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
