I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
