I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize