nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
