there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
