Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
