So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
