a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
