I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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