this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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