Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
