Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
