I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Someone shit on the floor
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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