he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
