dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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