went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
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